


Memories

by odd1of1 (Yeobobabe)



Category: SHINee
Genre: After death, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:20:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24125047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeobobabe/pseuds/odd1of1
Summary: Kibum's memories before it happened make him smile, but with Jonghyun gone and the Jongkey wedding coming up, what's he to do? A story about grief, but also hope and love.
Relationships: Kim Jonghyun/Kim Kibum | Key
Kudos: 21





	Memories

Kibum’s eyes cracked open slowly as the sun began to shine through his bedroom window onto his bed. He can hear the pittering of his puppies around him, but with no desire to wake up yet, he rolls over and extends his arm to reach for something, but his arm falls onto the mattress. Kibum opens his eyes to see his puppy waiting patiently by the door, and an empty bed by his side.

“Right.” Kibum sighs and buries his head in his hands. He lets out a frustrated groan and leans over. Comme Des cocks his head to the side, looking at his father, genuinely concerned. Kibum makes eye contact with the dog and sighs, reaching for his phone. He begins scrolling through the messages and calls he missed while asleep. His normal morning routine.

This morning is different, when he hears the doorbell ring and the dogs bark. Trudging downstairs, he wonders who it could be at this hour, then it hits him that only one person comes to his door in the morning. He opens the door to see the youngest Shinee member, toting a mask to hide from the fangirls.

“Good morning, Key!” Taemin blurts, heading straight for the refrigerator in Key’s apartment.

“Yah, with all the shit you do, you know you probably make more money than I do, you can afford your own groceries.” Key tells him, reaching for a glass in the kitchen to drink some water, his mouth feeling dry and his eyes puffy, he takes time to try to remember if he cried himself to sleep last night or not.

“Well yeah, but the difference is I’m not going to cook my own food.” Taemin said, pulling something out of the fridge and placing it in the microwave. He crossed his eyes and surveyed Key. Key sat at the table and fidgeted. He did that a lot lately. He played with his cup of water, avoiding looking at Taemin. “How you holding up, hyung?” Taemin eventually said after some silence.

“I’m okay. I have some schedule to take care of today, so I should get up and put on make-up, get some things together.” Key looked down at his hand and froze in place, staring at the ring on his finger that dented his skin after not being taken off, only in emergencies, for the last 10 years. Kibum closed his eyes.

_“Let’s get married,” Jonghyun said, taking Key and the rest of the members by surprise. Jonghyun was never afraid of the consequences. They were on a radio program live broadcast and Jonghyun said they should get married. Their manager perked up after hearing it and there was a pause. Kibum had to act fast._

_“I’m only 19.” Key joked, playing along and knowing the shippers will enjoy this moment for years to come._

_Jonghyun’s eyes changed, he looked down, seemingly disappointed in Key’s answer, but respectful all the same. Key was torn in that moment, their careers too young to be outed for being gay and ruining the group’s image, but his heart being with the dino-boy and being crazy in love with him, wishing this proposal didn’t take place in public so Key wasn’t torn like this, and as a sparkle hit Jonghyun’s eye Kibum quickly added, “After 10 years.” Jonghyun smiled and softly touched Key’s hand under the table wanting to kiss him, but knowing he won’t be able to do that here._

_As the radio program wrapped up, they took all the pictures needed, talked to everyone in the room and finally got to sit down in the van, Jonghyun and Key took the back seats, along with Taemin, who seemed a little fed up with their shit. The manager got in the front seat of the van and turned to the back to face them._

_“Taemin, can you step out for a moment and tell Onew and Minho to give us a minute” The manager said bitterly as Kibum’s heart skipped a beat._

_Taemin looked at Key with sad eyes and did as he was asked. The manager turned back to Jonghyun and Key, “What the hell was that?” He asked._

_“Fanservice.” Jonghyun answered as if he rehearsed this answer._

_“Fanservice is a hug. You two are just fucking around now. Are you together?” Manager asked._

_“Manage--” Kibum tried to say before he was cut off again._

_“Are you together?” Manager asked again, staring holes into Kibum and Jonghyun. Jonghyun audibly gulps._

_“Yes.” Jonghyun answers, hanging his head low. The manager shakes his head, but doesn’t say another word. He motions for the other boys to get into the car and they drive off to their dorm._

_As they pulled up to the dorm, Minho and Onew get out first and start to head upstairs. Taemin climbs out of the van and waits outside it for Key and Jonghyun._

_“I want to talk to them, Taemin-ah. Go upstairs and rest. You did well today.” Manager said, Taemin regretfully bowed and walked upstairs, moving fast to catch up with the other two boys. Manager Hyung looked out the windshield in the front of the car and would not turn around to face Jonghyun and Kibum._

_“Manager-hyung. We can explain-” Jonghyun talked a lot. Jonghyun never really knew when to shut up. It was one of Kibum’s favorite things about him. Kibum hits Jonghyun in the leg, motioning that he should pick this as one of the times to be quiet._

_“No need. I’ll come up with something. In the meantime, I don’t think Korea is ready for an openly….you know…” Manager-hyung struggled a lot with the words, but Jonghyun and Kibum knew what he meant. “I’m not sure where that leaves you two in the group, but until I figure something out, please lay low and don’t be selfish. Please remember there are three other boys in this group that want a successful career and I don’t want you two fucking things up for them, understood?”_

_Kibum and Jonghyun sat in the back seat with their heads hung low. Kibum began tearing up, Jonghyun grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly._

_“Understood?” Manager hyung repeated, this time a little angrier. However, when Kibum looked over at Jonghyun, he smirked and quietly reached into his pocket._

_“Yes, sir. We’re sorry.” Kibum said, while looking at Jonghyun curiously._

_Jonghyun slid something cold and metal into Kibum’s hand. Manager Hyung finally turned around to look at the boys as they hung their head low._

_“Now go upstairs, and not a word of this to the other members until I find out what to do.” Kibum and Jonghyun got out of the van and headed up to the dorm in silence. Kibum fidgeted with the cold metal object Jonghyun had placed in his hand in the car. He took a long look at it and it was a ring._

_“Jjong, what is this?” Kibum asked, looking at it once they got to the dorm door,_

_“You said ten years. Keep that until then and you can get a nicer one at our wedding.” Jonghyun smiled that signature Jonghyun smile as he took off his shoes and walked into their dorm, greeting the other boys. Kibum sighed a loving sigh as he placed that ring on his finger and his heart skipped a beat._

“Hyung… Hyung!” Taemin shook Key by the shoulder and his eyes jolted open. Key looked down at the table and there was a puddle right where he sat.

Key wiped his tears and Taemin pulled him in for a hug. “Maybe I should call manager hyung and we can cancel your schedule today.

“Do you know what next month is, Tae?” Key sobbed out, holding his hand over his mouth to quiet his sobs, he felt his heart break into tinier pieces.

“...Am I supposed to?” Taemin pulled out his phone, searching his calendar for next month, making sure it wasn’t their anniversary or Key’s birthday… Or his own birthday. Taemin had become so busy with going solo, being in SuperM, preparing for Shinee’s comeback. Sometimes he forgot important things, including things like his own birthday. Each of the members had their way of coping with what happened, Taemin decided to keep busy. The busier he kept, the less idle time his mind had to wonder.

“Next month makes 10 years, Tae. The 10 years I promised Jjong.” Key said, fiddling with the ring on his finger.

“Shit. Key...I-” Taemin started, but Kibum looked at him, hoping he wasn’t going to say sorry.

Kibum hated when people said I’m sorry. Kibum hated when people looked at him with sad eyes. When people said “Oh how are you doing?” Kibum hated talking about it. Kibum hated the funeral. Hated being the face of the funeral, when he broke down into Onew’s arms, trying to grieve in front of more than 100 cameramen, not believing the death of his lover would be the breaking news story of the century. Kibum hated the fans, coming up to him, walking on eggshells. Kibum knew that they were grieving too. He wanted to be there for them, but he wanted to be okay too. Kibum hated the sad eyes from interviewers. Kibum hated that Shinee had to tell interviewers not to talk about it. Kibum hated not talking about it. What he really hated was not knowing why. He’s made peace, but he still found himself fixating and wondering why.

Taemin stopped talking and hugged Key as tight as he could. Key received this hug by melting into Taemin’s arms. “Let’s go lay down for a little while, yeah?” Taemin stated, wiping his tears and Kibum’s.

“No, I’m just going to shower. What’s your schedule today?” Kibum started up the stairs, trying his best to pretend to be okay.

“Uhh, I have dance practice and a variety show for SuperM, so it’s pretty laid back today. I can cancel both of those if you need help.” Taemin looked around Key’s apartment and saw that, his once clean and tidy apartment had dishes and food sitting out. Comme Des and Garcon sat by the door, patiently waiting to go outside, and had been sitting there for a little while.

“Taemin, I’m fine.” Key insisted as he walked upstairs and Taemin heard the shower water running. He sighed, putting the dishes into the dishwasher and grabbing the leash, and clipping the dogs and taking them outside for a walk.

Key felt the hot water going down his skin in the shower, enjoying the feeling and not remembering the last time he actually took a shower. Kibum froze in the shower as another memory hit him.

_“Keeeeyyy!” A sing song voice burst into the bathroom as Kibum jumped in the shower._

_“What are you doing, pabo?” Key breathed out, trying to catch his breath back._

_“Joining you.” Kibum felt the cold air hit as Jonghyun pulled back the shower curtain._

_“Are you insane? The other members will freak if they find us like this. Get out.” Kibum pushed Jonghyun back and tried closing the curtain._

_Jonghyun opened it again and hopped in the shower, clinging his naked body to Key’s. “Everyone is gone and they aren’t due back for some time. You know what that means.” Jonghyun started kissing Kibum on the back and on his neck. Kibum, being the sucker he is, succumbed to Jonghyun and melted back into him, enjoying the hot water dripping all over them. Jonghyun took this time to get a little handsy with Kibum, rubbing his hands all over his body and kissing him roughly. They began to become so engrossed in the passion of each other, they never realized the door opened._

_“Are you two fucking in the shower? That’s really fucking cliche.” They heard a voice say outside the shower curtain and froze in place._

_“Sorry to cockblock, but we’re back and we’re sick of hearing you guys.” Taemin shouted outside the shower curtain._

_Kibum reached for the faucet and turned off the water, reaching for his towel outside the shower and covering himself and his raging hard on as he stepped out to see the other three members hanging out by the bathroom door._

_Jonghyun stayed still, hoping the other members would leave so he could also exit the shower._

_“Jong, you might as well come on out too.” Onew stated, and you could hear the smile in his voice. Jonghyun did the same as Kibum, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around his waist to cover himself._

_“We can explain-” Jonghyun started, and again, Kibum punched him in the leg, signaling that he should just shut up._

_“We know, but you don’t have to.” Minho stated, “We’re just sick of hearing it.”_

_“Wait-- how long have you guys known?” Kibum asked, beginning to hang his head in front of his members._

_“Jjongie, do you want me to call you oppa?” Taemin mocked, throwing in a gag for dramatic effect._

_“Or how about, ‘Jjongie...Jjongie...right there!” Minho added, laughing his head off with Taemin._

_“My personal favorite is ‘Bummie, you’re so tight, I’m gonn--” Onew began, but everyone gave him a look that insisted that he had taken the joke too far. Onew laughed awkwardly and hung his head, “You get the point,” he added._

_“I told you, you’re too loud.” Jonghyun whispered._

_“We’re sorry. We didn’t mean for you to find out.” Kibum said._

_“Why not? We knew there was something going on between you guys. We don’t care. Are you happy?” Taemin asked, speaking on behalf of the other boys, who nodded in agreement._

_“Incredibly.” Jonghyun said looking longingly at Kibum._

_“Then why does it matter if you’re both guys? You’re happy, we’re happy.” As soon as Taemin said that, the doorbell rang. Kibum and Jonghyun hurried to their rooms to change and Onew checked the door and it was manager hyung and a girl._

_“Did we have something scheduled that we didn’t remember?” Onew asked Manager hyung, while looking at the girl with him._

_“No, we’re here for Jonghyun, is he here?” Manager hyung said. Jonghyun came out of the room, dressed in sweats and a tank top. He bowed when he saw manager hyung and the girl. Kibum stuck his head out of the door, trying to hear what was going on._

_“Jonghyun, can we talk… alone?” Manager hyung said, ushering Jonghyun into a room with the girl and closing the door. The other members, including Kibum, all exchanged looks and rushed the door, pushing their ears to the doors._

_“This is SeKyung. You two are dating now. Go out on a date and make sure you are photographed.”_

_Dating? Kibum thought, feeling his heart break into a million pieces._

_“We’re dating?” Jonghyun questioned._

_“Yes, I need the media to see you with her. She has an acting career to promote, you have some things in the media to clean up. It’s perfect.” Manager hyung said._

_“But what about…” Kibum._

_“Exactly.” Manager Hyung stated. The other boys could hear him coming toward the door and rushed back to the living room to make it seem like they were never listening._

“Key are you still in the shower? Am I staying here or going to the schedule?” Taemin screamed into the bathroom door, snapping Key out of his memory.

“Sorry.” Key practically whispered, turning off the water that was turning cold. Key got out of the shower and went to his closet to get dressed. By the time he got dressed and came down stairs, Taemin was sitting on the couch, tossing toys to his puppies and playing with them.

Key took a look around his apartment and saw that Taemin cleaned it up for him. Key smiled a small smile and hugged Taemin for the hundredth time, then he reached for the puppy’s leash.

“I took them outside already. Cleaned up their poop and everything.” Taemin said, “I also told my manager I wasn’t going to make it to the variety show and I moved my dance practice to tomorrow.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Key mumbled, although he was grateful. Key had been having a really rough time, and while Taemin worked his pain away, Key was not so lucky. He found it hard to answer fan questions, play around on variety shows and go to dance practices without him there.

“I wanted to.” Taemin and Key shared a comfortable silence before Key said,

“I miss him so much, Tae.”

“Yeah, I know, Key. He loved you, and you loved him. He was one of my best friends.” Taemin became glassy eyed, but did not cry.

“Yeah… mine too.” Key mumbled, taking a seat next to Taemin and looking down at his ring again, remembering the one time he took it off and he smiled, laughing at the stupidity.

_“Kibummie, what the fuck do you want me to do? The company said I’m dating her, so that’s what I have to make it look like. It’s not my fault.” Jonghyun screamed, frustrated at Key. This was their fourth argument about this in a week. Key was tired. So were the other members, who had decided to stay out of it, but still pushed their ears to doors every once in a while when things got juicy._

_“I want you to not be fucking kissing her and then coming home to me. Is there really something going on between you?” Kibum shouted at Jonghyun._

_“I’m acting, Bummie, I have to act in order to keep all of this shit in order. Do you want me to come out tomorrow at the fanmeet? Tell everyone that me and SeKyung aren’t together? Tell them that this is bullshit and that I love you? Is that what you want?” Jonghyun groaned sarcastically, dodging Kibum’s dirty looks._

_“Why the fuck would you do that? That is the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. You cannot be serious. Fuck you, Kim Jonghyun. Why don’t you and Sekyung have a nice real relationship? Because this one is done.” Kibum took the ring off of his finger and threw it at Jonghyun, coming toward the door of the room and hearing the other members scatter to the living room. Kibum left out of the front door in a fury and the others exchanged looks._

_“Go for it Jinki, you’re the leader.” Taemin said, leaning back on the couch._

_“I’m the leader of Shinee, not Jonghyun and Key’s relationship. I’m staying out of that one.” Onew said as he got up and went toward his room getting ready for bed._

_The next morning, Shinee came together for a fanmeeting, they smiled and acted like there wasn’t a huge shift in the group dynamic. SeKyung “surprised” Jonghyun by showing up to the fanmeet to cheer them on and Kibum began getting angry and with the anger came the pettiness. During the performance of Hello, Kibum realized his chair was closer to Jonghyun’s than he wanted, so he shifted it further away, not wanting to sit or speak to him._

_“Kibum, you ready for your solo?” Manager asked, and Jonghyun did a double take._

_“You got a solo? You didn’t tell me that.” Jonghyun said to him._

_“Guess we’re all keeping secrets, huh?” Kibum said snarkily at Jonghyun and went out on stage._

_The fans went wild when Kibum went out onto the stage by himself. The piano progression started and Kibum deadpanned backstage, pointed and said “You look so dumb right now…” beginning the lyrics to Rhianna’s take a bow. A song that took Jonghyun aback because Kibum was singing it with so much anger and passion, all Jonghyun could do was hang his head low._

_Later that night, everyone was physically and emotionally drained, they all went into their sleeping quarters and knocked out. When Kibum and Jonghyun were fighting, Jonghyun was forced to sleep in his room with Taemin, and Kibum had his room to himself._

_At around three a.m Kibum woke up, reached over and grasped at the empty mattress next to him that used to be Jonghyun’s spot in his bed. Kibum sighed and stood up, walking to the dorm kitchen for a glass of water. There was a single light on in the living room and a person sitting on the couch with pieces of paper surrounding them. Kibum put his glasses on, and looked at the couch, identifying the figure as Jonghyun._

_“Couldn’t sleep?” Jonghyun said quietly to him._

_“Not really. What are you doing up this late?” Kibum asked, sitting next to him and looking at the paper around him._

_“It’s kind of hard sleeping without you, I’m just writing. I get most inspired at night. I think it’s crazy how Music explains things we haven’t yet experienced, or things we want to experience, or things that we’ve painfully experienced, or happily, you know? It’s something I’ll always love, it’s the only way I’ve known how to express myself. And people connect to it. It doesn’t matter where in the world you go. Music is the only thing that’s universal. No matter the language or the message, it all gets across and it’s so beautiful.” Jonghyun was an amazing writer. Songs, poems, letters. His words were like silk to Kibum, always smooth and warm. And Kibum was always smitten when the boy he loved started talking about the things he loved._

_“You’ve got a point...Suit Up? What’s this?” Kibum picked up one of the many sheets of paper surrounding Jonghyun and sat next to him while reading it._

_“A song… I wrote it for you. You weren’t supposed to see it, but I wanted to play it for you when I finished it. It’s just a thought right now.” Jonghyun said shyly._

_Kibum blushed reading the lyrics and smiling like an idiot._

_“You’re such an amazing writer...Is this about sex after the wedding?” Kibum chuckled._

_“I mean.. It’s more about the intimacy that comes with finally being free and married. Plus We won’t know for… 9 years now?” Jonghyun planted a kiss on Kibum’s cheek and Kibum rolled his eyes._

_“You think I’m still going to marry you?” Kibum scoffed._

_“I don’t have a doubt in my mind, babe. I’m sorry about SeKyung. I’m going to break it off with her, publically. I can’t keep hurting you like this.” Kibum lit up at this and cuddled closer to Jong on the couch. Jonghyun reached into his pocket and put the ring back on Kibum’s finger, wrapping his arms around his lover and kissing his forehead and they fell asleep like that, melting into each other and letting the weight of the world leave when they were together._

“Tae, I think I have an idea.” Key said, interrupting the drama he and Taemin were watching on their ditch day.

“Lay it on me.” Taemin pushed pause on the drama and gave Key all of his attention.

Kibum explained his plan to Taemin, and Taemin was beaming with excitement, started dialing numbers in his cell phone to get Onew and Minho in on this plan too. The other two boys came over for dinner that night and the Shinee boys began devising a plan that made all of their hearts beam.

** One Month Later **

Looking unto a huge crowd of people, Key fidgeted with his ring at the podium. Taemin, Minho and Onew standing in the wings, they offered to be on stage with Key, but Key decided it was best to do this alone with their support.

“Good evening and thank you for being here today.” Key started, feeling tears welling up, the bright light of this stage, brighter than any stage light Key had seen. His mouth felt dry, like cotton was taking over his tongue. He looked to the left and made eye contact with the other Shinee boys, who gave him thumbs ups. Kibum looked back into the crowd, wincing from the light.

“Today was supposed to be a really special day for Jonghyun and I, but it seems he had other plans.” Key gulped down his tears, “We all loved Jonghyun more than anything, and I wish he could know that he did well on this Earth when he was with us. Jonghyun loved music more than anything. He used to say that Music was like a universal language and that we all connect using this one thing. Jonghyun was a poet, he was an artist and an amazing friend. Not a day goes by where I don’t miss him, and I speak on behalf of me and my band members when I say Kim Jonghyun, you were amazing and we miss you more than words can ever express. Jonghyun would love to see what we did, and I know he’s watching us, so it is with great pleasure, I introduce the Kim Jonghyun Music Academy. A free academy for kids and teens to learn instruments and work on song writing and sharpening skills. This building will also serve as a home for LGBTQ+ communities in Korea as a safe haven and shelter. This is what Jonghyun would have wanted, and now his dream is finally a reality. Thank you so much for being here, and always remember to tell your children that they did well. Remind them every day, and remind Jonghyun too. You did well.” Key stepped back from the podium and bowed low, staying there. The other SHINee boys joined him on stage. They collectively stood up, making a diamond with their hands, extending the diamond out and stretching it to the sky for Jonghyun to see.

After a million pictures, and conversations, the Shinee boys were all in one van, like their debut days. The boys were tired, and ready to lay down after a very long day of planning, playing and socializing.

“We’re really proud of you, Key.” Onew said, putting a hand on Key's shoulder.

“I couldn’t have done this without you guys. I love you.” The other boys just smiled and nodded. Kibum put his earphones in and leaned against the window. He purposely picked the song Suit up to play as he looked up into the sky, he could’ve sworn he saw the moon change to an aqua blue. He smiled at the sight, “I love you too, dino. Always.” He whispered, finding peace.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking time and reading this.  
> I think fans grieve in different ways, and this was mine.  
> As a person who has dealt with subjects like these, you have to stay strong.  
> Please, never forget to tell yourself you did well, and if you don't have the strength to tell yourself then I'm here to tell you.  
> You did well.


End file.
